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It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
- Oxford University Press, Edpress News

World's shortest blues song:
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

I opened a veterinary clinic next door to a dentist's office. Afterward I received a card from my neighbor signed, "From someone who treats canines to another."

It's no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember.

My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.

There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman

Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

First National Bank of Dad. Sorry, Closed.

Don't drink and drive. Instead, the next time you get too drunk to drive, walk into a local Domino's and order a pizza. Then when they go to deliver it, ask for a ride home.

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. - Ronald Reagan

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

If you don't know where you are going, you can never get lost. - Herb Cohen

The American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.

When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime. - Tim Cavanagh

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him the checkbook.

A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

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