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School Puns
 

A boy come home from school with his exam results.

"What did you get?" asked his father.

"My marks are under water," said the boy.

"What do you mean 'under water'?"

"They are all below 'C' level."

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A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"

Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.

"'Unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'Illegal' is a sick eagle."

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Teacher: "Spell 'WATER',"

Girl: "HIJKLMNO."

Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER',"

Girl: "Yes, it does. ... It's all the letters from 'H to O'."

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"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"

"Elation."

"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"

"I believe that would be giddy up."

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

There was this kindly professor who took on an errant graduate student. This student had difficulty making anything work. She was late, she broke things. She wasted reagents and never cleaned up after herself.

However, she was always pleasant, and she treated the professor and his profession with utmost respect. This was uplifting and very pleasant for him. So, when the inevitable time came for him to drop her he felt very sad.

Therefore, he went to a great deal of trouble to make it as easy on her as possible. He took her to a nice restaurant and hired a musician to play Mozart while they dined.

Later, when his colleagues would ask him why he went to so much trouble for such a pain in the kazoo, he replied, "But this is divorce of a reverent scholar."

I just spoke to my counterpart at a major seminary college (the name of which, at his request, shall remain known only to the Lord), and he was in a tizzy. It seems that he is behind in his theological research and is rushing to publish a much needed paper, without which, there is a very good possibility that he will be reassigned as a priest to a congregation somewhere in the boondocks.

He told me that this situation affected most of the Brothers at the college, at one time or another, just as it affects many professors at universities and colleges all over the world.

That's right. Even at a religious college it's either publish or parish.

A physics professor at a state university in Michigan was famous for his animated lectures. He was short and thin with wild white hair and an excited expression. In lecture he would through himself from the top of desks and throw frisbees to students in the back row to illustrate various principles.

One day in class he was spinning on an office chair holding weights in each hand when he lost his balance and tumbled into the first row. He apologized to his class for going off on a tangent.

A student got me with a good one in class. I don't bother to make seating charts, because I noticed that students tend to sit in the same place every day anyway. So I learn my students' names by reading each name out loud and looking in the direction that student normally sits, in order to force my brain to associate the name with the face. The name in brain lies mainly in a plane.

It takes me a few weeks to learn a whole class full of students' names, because I'm week-minded.

It takes longer if they're absent, because I'm absent-minded.

One day I called out "Jesse Brown" and looked to my left, but I didn't find him there. Instead, Jesse was sitting to my right. "Over here," he said. "Moving around on me, eh?" I chided him.

"Brownian motion," he explained.


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